Share experiences. Don’t give advice.
Our starter kit uses the Gestalt Language Protocol: share what happened to you, rather than instructions for someone else. Agree on that rule before the first meeting.
The German word “gestalt” is close to form, or wholeness. In forum it means something specific: the person in the hot seat has the full context. You don’t. You cannot assemble their picture. So you don’t tell them what to do.
It is a communication protocol for the group, not a therapy session. The practical rule is simple: give the person more experience to think with, without taking over their decision.
Two other commitments sit next to it: confidentiality and personal responsibility. You own what you say. You own what you decide.
The rules
- 1.
Speak only from your own experience. First-hand. If you didn’t live it, don’t talk.
- 2.
“I” statements. Never “you.”
- 3.
Past tense. What happened, what you did, what you learned. Not what they should do next.
- 4.
No advice. No judgment. No opinion dressed as help.
- 5.
Danger words. Should, would, could, “if I were you,” “you need to,” future-tense instructions.
- 6.
Questions are for understanding, not steering. “How long has this been going on?” is a question. “Have you tried firing them?” is advice with a question mark.
- 7.
If you have no relevant experience, say so and stop. Silence is better than a made-up analogy.
- 8.
The room can interrupt with “Gestalt” when someone slips. That is the point. It is a practiced habit, not a vibe.
Why this exists
Advice creates a hierarchy. I know. You follow. The presenter starts defending instead of thinking.
If they take your advice and it fails, they blame you. If they don’t take it, you sit in judgment. Either way the group gets less honest.
Experience is unarguable. You cannot argue with “when I fired my COO, the team told me they’d been waiting.” You can argue with “you should fire yours.”
When nobody gives advice, there are no debates about the “right” plan. The presenter picks what resonates and owns the decision.
This is a practical meeting rule, not a claim that one study proves how every group should work. Try it consistently, then discuss whether it helps your forum.
How the room runs it
- After updates, pick one person with a real challenge. The hot seat.
- Clarifying questions only. Then each person shares a relevant story, a resource they actually used, or empathy. Not a playbook.
- The presenter is not required to answer each share or defend. They say what landed.
- The timekeeper still cuts people off.
Worked examples
These are examples. Not my life. Not yours. Use them to hear the difference.
Firing someone they love
They say: I’ve known my ops lead for years. Performance is down. Trust is gone. I can’t decide.
Don’t
Document 30 days, bring in HR, fire them on a Friday.
Do
I sat on a similar call for eight months. When I finally let them go, three people on the team told me they’d been waiting. I wished I’d done it sooner. The Friday part only helped me, so I could sit with it over the weekend.
What happens with advice: they cross their arms and explain why your playbook won’t work in their company. The hour dies.
Partnership / legal mess
Don’t
You should sue. You should mediate.
Do
When my partnership blew up I tried mediation first. It bought ninety days. It didn’t save the partnership. The legal path was slower and cleaner.
Another person: I went straight to lawyers. I won. I lost two years and a friendship. Conflicting stories are fine. The presenter chooses.
Veiled advice
Don’t
Have you considered just firing him?
Do
How long has this been going on? What have you already tried?
The first one is still advice. The second two are questions.
No experience
Don’t
A cousin’s story you just invented.
Do
I don’t have a relevant experience.
Then stop.
